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[sticky post] Writing Masterpost

It occurs to me that it might be smart to make a masterpost for my fic.  I've got The Lucky Ones on here for now, and I'll update with my drabbles and anything else I add. :)

GLEE - KLAINE
The Lucky Ones When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two

GLEE - One Shots
A More Perfect Christmas Klaine)

Summary: Kurt writes a letter home to tell his Dad about his first Christmas living with Blaine in NYC.
Word Count: 925
Dedicated to: Knittywriter
Genre: Pure fluff
Rating: G

A Long, Hard Rain (Klaine)
Summary: Kurt, Blaine, Blankets, Rain
Dedicated to: Forgiveninasong
Genre: smut!
Rating: M (i.e. here there be sexin's)
Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.


Chapter Notes:
My dear readers – I can’t even begin to apologize for this super long delay, and for all of you who are still with me, thank you so very very much. This chapter was really hard for me because it felt awkward and frustrating, but my wonderful friend and beta reader, tangledhair, said it was exactly what Kurt needed at this point. Times of healing and adjustment often feel awkward and frustrating to us and we just want to get past them or ignore them. I guess this chapter fits that bill. J I am hopeful that the rest of this will come faster, though there’s also a lot more happening in my life than there was when I started writing, so I’m being careful to not make any promises (aside from not abandoning the fic).

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter: poetheather and tangledhair.

We have reached over 101,200 words and almost 5,000 of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 23 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 28).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter M for mention of rape

Chapter Twenty-ThreeCollapse )

update - The Lucky Ones progress

I don't know how many of my readers will see this, but I wanted to post a bit of an update so you all know I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. I'm so sorry for the long delay between chapters, but February was a really crazy month for my family. No worries - it's been good stuff happening, just kept us all very busy and kept my brain very distracted.

I currently have a good bit of the next chapter written and just need to finish out a scene or two before I start passing it to my beta readers. I hope to have it up within a week. Thank you all so much for your comments and recs and everything. I'm so thrilled that people want to read this and are interested in this little world in my head. :)

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes:

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter: poetheather and randomactsofdouchebaggery.

We have reached ove 100,000 word and over 8,000 of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 22 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 28).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapte NC-17 for dub-con

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.
 
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-TwoCollapse )

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes:

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather, tangledhair, and (for the "unspoiled reader reaction") randomactsofdouchebaggery.

We have reached ove 98,500 word and (holy crap) over 9,600 of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 21 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 26-27).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter NC-17 for dub-con

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-OneCollapse )

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes:

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and randomactsofdouchebaggery.

We have reached over 91,000 word and (holy crap) over 8,000 of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 20 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 26).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter: PG

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help. 
 
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen


Chapter TwentyCollapse )

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes: I’m very sorry for the delay. Life kind of exploded in the last couple weeks, but here’s a new chapter, and I’ll try to get the next one out quicker.

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair. As usual, it would not be nearly so well put together without them both.

We have now passed the 87,000 word mark and (holy crap) over 7,000 of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 19 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter: PG

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen 
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen 
Chapter Seventeen 
Chapter Eighteen

Chapter NineteenCollapse )

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes: I know it’s technically Tuesday in my part of the world, but I’ve been sick so my brain’s a little slower today. I’m staying up and holding off on cold meds so I can post this before bed!

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair. And a special thanks to Petelle for giving me last minute feedback on a sticky spot in the chapter! (not that kind of sticky spot – get your minds out of the gutter!)

We have almost reached 84,000 words and (holy crap) over 7,000 of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 17 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter: PG

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen 
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen 
Chapter Seventeen


Chapter EighteenCollapse )

And I tell you 
I am getting sick of this 
All the ups and downs 
The turns and twists 
All the would’ve, should’ve bitterness 
I carry on my back 
I'm waiting... waiting 

~The Lucky Ones by Val Emmich

November 29, 2019

Blaine and Rachel had been called to Sara’s office where Kurt, Linsdey, and Sara were discussing options for someone to take over the role of Mimi. Sara wanted input, but Blaine still had questions. “I’m still confused about this – who’s Emily’s understudy?” Blaine asked.

“Megan, but she’s not really strong enough to carry the role of Mimi on a long term basis. She’s a little too green.” Sara glanced at a couple pages in the stack of paperwork in front of her. “And no wonder, she’s barely 18. She hasn’t had the time to get that much experience. I’d love to see Megan do it for a night or two at a time, but not for the length of time Emily will be recovering. After the breaks heal, she’ll need PT. I think it’ll be better for the show if we can find a good replacement that can start right away. So that’s why I’m asking for help here.”

“And I told her that I though Santana would be fabulous in the role,” Kurt offered by way of further explanation. Blaine and Rachel each started nodding and talking over each other quickly, snippets of “she would kill ‘I wanna go out tonight’” and “time off from her music” and “so true” bouncing amongst the three who knew Santana. Sara just watched for a moment before interrupting them.

“Are you sure about this?” Sara looked back and forth among them, and got confident nods from everyone.

Rachel was the first to speak, as usual. “You heard her sing last night. Even I have to admit she was amazing when we went to high school together, and her local gigs have kept her voice exercised and she’s got the look for it.”

Blaine nodded again, agreeing quite adamantly. “I’ve lived with her for years. She’s the most dedicated performer you’ll find, and she can pick this up quickly, which is key since we open in three and a half weeks.”

“She was always on top of our last minute competition picks, learning the songs and the choreography with the best of us,” Kurt added. “As long as she doesn’t mind taking a break from her club performances, I think she’d be a great choice.”

“And we don’t have a lot of options. We can’t spare the understudy for the length of time Emily will be recovering. After the breaks heal, she’ll need PT. It’s a much better option to hire a replacement so we still have our understudies available.”

Sara nodded slowly, thinking through all she’d been told. It didn’t take long, really. The girl had been amazing during karaoke last night, and it would save them the trouble of auditioning people again. She turned to Lindsey with a deep breath. “Okay, call Santana, see if she’s willing, and we start rehearsal in fifteen minutes. If she’s coming, I need her here ASAP.”

December 19, 2019

“Santa Baby” played softly in the background and Kurt pulled his sweater around himself tighter, trying to fight off the chill that was probably as much from his nerves as it was the actual temperature in the apartment. He’d been chatting with Burt about the show, the tire shop, Finn’s girlfriend, and Carole’s new knitting hobby. His hot cocoa was down to warm dregs, and he’d put off the uncomfortable topic as long as he could. He adjusted the laptop screen again, more from nerves than any need to change the angle.

“I need to tell you some stuff, Dad. It’s nothing bad, though. There’s nothing bad. I’m okay. There’s nothing to worry about.” Kurt watched his Dad’s reaction carefully, wishing he could have done this in person. The web camera didn’t make people look healthy anyway, and Kurt never got over worrying about his Dad’s health.

“All right, all right, you tell me what needs to be said and I’ll decide if I want to worry about it, okay? You may be 26 years old, but you’re still my kid and I decide if I need to worry about you. Now, what is it that’s not worth worrying about?” Burt’s words may have sounded harsh, but the tone and the facial expression were anything but. Kurt knew he was still trusted, despite his attempts to distance himself for so long. And that’s why he had to talk about this now. He’d gone over it in therapy. He knew it needed to be done. Why was it so damn hard?

“I, um…” he just had to start with the bare minimum. If he wanted to share more later, he could. It’ll be fine. “I realized recently that I’ve been having some problems; bad moods, lack of appetite, um… d-distancing m-my self” Kurt’s voice started to quiver as he fought back tears and the pain of all that he had lost, all the times he’d felt alone, the way he’d held himself in, thinking it was the only way to lessen the pain. He suddenly realized the pain never lessened, it just hid. “I… I started seeing a therapist. I’m – I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and… um, and sometimes I h-h-have panic attacks. So, I’m uh, I’m seeing, I’m talking to a therapist and, I” he was crying by then, and Burt looked like he was about to cry along with him. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I’m so sorry for not talking to you, and I just…” he sniffed and grabbed a handkerchief to wipe at his nose.

“Hey, Kurt, you listen to me. You don’t have to apologize to me for this. You didn’t know what was wrong, and now you do and you’re telling me now. It’s gonna be okay, Kurt. Now tell me, what can I do to help? Do you need us to come up sooner? Do you want anything from here? What’s the next step?”

Kurt smiled in smite of himself. His dad could always make him feel better. Burt and Blaine had called themselves the Kurt Hummel fanclub a couple times, and they were the only people who’d always been in his corner, yet somehow he’d managed to alienate them both for so long. He still wasn’t sure he deserved another chance, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to give it up. But he still had to tell his dad the other part of his ‘news.’

“Thank you, Dad. Just, really… thank you for always and forever being so awesome. I don’t need anything. Arriving on the 23rd is still fine as long as you’re still okay with having the night to yourselves. But we’ll do breakfast together on the 24th.” Kurt took a slow breath and opened with a relatively safe, but important, segue. “I uh, I mentioned that Rachel’s in the show, right? So Finn’s prepared for that and it’s not going to get all weird or anything?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He’s really happy with Debbie. I think he’s gonna propose soon.”

Kurt just smiled and nodded, deciding not to mention that Finn’s proposals weren’t always the best of ideas. “Well, just so everyone’s prepared, there are some other familiar faces in the cast.” He was trying for nonchalance, but had a feeling he wasn’t pulling it off.

“Okay.” Of course, his dad would just wait, let Kurt say things in his own time. It was a lovely trait most of the time, but in this case it was driving Kurt nuts.

“Santana and Blaine are in it.”

“Oh!” Yeah, he looked really surprised by that one. “So, you’ve been back in touch with them for a while.”

“I saw Blaine when he came to the callbacks. We talked some the next day or two.” Kurt was leaving out a lot, but he honestly wasn’t sure what to say about the rest of it.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, pleased to realize it was a genuine smile because he felt like it. “Yeah, I think I will be. Therapy is helping, and it’s been nice reconnecting with them. Even Santana’s been tolerable.”

“Uh-huh.” Burt watched his son’s expression on the screen and thought of the young boy who’d had a similar expression when discussing Blaine, the new boy he’d met from Dalton. “And Blaine?”

“We’re working on being friends, I guess?”

December 22, 2019

Kurt had stepped away from the party to check his messages and return a call. The final dress rehearsal had gone beautifully that afternoon and Sara had arranged for a party for the cast that evening. Kurt was grateful that the theatre would be dark tomorrow. He always loved that one night of peace and calm before opening night.

He listened to the voice message and waited for the beep before speaking. “Hi Tom, it’s Kurt. Sorry I missed your call. I would have loved a chance to talk to you for a minute. But yes, I’m free tomorrow. I can meet you at 12:30, and I… I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you putting up with me. I didn’t know how much I needed this. Anyway, see you tomorrow.”

Kurt ended the call and pocketed his phone, taking a couple slow breaths to settle his nerves again before returning to the party. He turned to go back out to the lobby where they were holding this party, and found Blaine staring at him. His eyes seemed larger and darker than usual, and Kurt was very familiar with that expression. It was the expression that said Blaine was hurt, confused, angry, maybe feeling betrayed, definitely sad. Kurt took a step closer, worried about what might have happened to cause that.

Before he could ask, though, Blaine jumped back like he was afraid of being burned. “Sorry. I… Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you… Um, who’s Tom?”

Oh god, this is what he’d been dreading. He didn’t want to have to talk about this, didn’t want Blaine to know how messed up he was. He thought it would probably cancel out any chances they had of being together again someday. They’d been doing well, rehearsing, getting coffee, sometimes going to a movie or just for a walk. It was so much like before they ever dated that sometimes Kurt found himself comparing these new memories with those old familiar ones from his early Dalton days. He knew they were building on this slowly, and Tom thought it was the best thing for him, really, but trusting Blaine enough to tell him about the therapy was something he’d still been terrified of.

He needed to get this out, though, needed to be honest with Blaine. “Um, yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I’ve been seeing him for about a month now.” But before he could continue, Blaine was walking away, visibly upset.

“Blaine, wait! It’s not what you think.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Kurt. It is what it is. You have a lunch date with Tom. It’s fine. You don’t owe me an explanation. You don’t owe me anything, Kurt.” He tried to keep his voice steady, tried to hold in the sudden urge to fall down sobbing. He knew they were just friends. They had no promises anymore. No commitment anymore.

“Dammit, would you listen to me?” Kurt grabbed his hand and tried to pull him closer, but Blaine jerked his hand away angrily. He’d felt drawn to Kurt from that audition. He thought Kurt felt it too. He had thought there was hope, and he wasn’t honestly mad at Kurt. Kurt really didn’t owe him anything. No, Blaine was mad at himself for being such a ridiculous sap.

“Why, Kurt? Why now? I waited seven years to listen to you explain things, and now you want to explain things I don’t want to hear?” He really hadn’t meant to say that, but something in him broke.

“You said it didn’t matter! I knew you’d throw that back in my face one day. Blaine, you have to listen to me! You can’t just think you know…” Kurt faltered, suddenly looking nervous and a little lost. Blaine wanted to take a deep breath and tell him it would be okay, but his heart was pounding and he was spiraling into the pain of losing Kurt again when he’d just begun to believe they had a chance. His temper had always been quick, but years of boxing taught him how to keep it in check. Still, he stepped closer, leaning in toward Kurt, hoping for something like indifference, but knowing it probably came across more as pissed as hell.

“Go ahead, Kurt.” His voice was quiet, calm, and a bit deeper than usual, and Kurt found it incredibly unnerving. “Tell me all about Tom, and how he’s exactly what you were always looking for. Tell me how he’s smoother than me, and taller, better looking. Tell me all about how wonderfully romantic he is, and how he never screws anything up and he doesn’t care if you flirt a little.” Blaine leaned in more, pressing one hand against the wall by Kurt’s shoulder. “Go ahead and explain to me that it wasn’t my fault, I just wasn’t what you really wanted, but it’s okay now because you have Tom and we can try to be friends.”

“Blaine, he’s not…” But Kurt couldn’t finish that sentence because Blaine was suddenly sucking on Kurt’s bottom lip. Kissing. There’s kissing happening. He’s kissing me. Oh god oh god finally. Oh shit, yes, Blaine, oh god thank you. Blaine’s lips were as soft as Kurt remembered, and he gasped when Blaine’s tongue flicked into his mouth. Heavy breaths and quiet moans filled the hallway, and when Blaine growled low in his throat, Kurt felt heat curling in his gut. Blaine leaned into the wall more, pressing closer to Kurt, his free hand reaching up to grip Kurt’s head. He felt the firm pressure at the top of his neck and angled his head into it, which seemed to be exactly what Blaine wanted because he groaned and deepened the kiss. Kurt felt a thrill at the weight of Blaine leaning against him, pinning him to the wall. Then suddenly it was over and Kurt was embarrassed to realize he had tried to move forward to capture Blaine’s lips again.

“Tell me Tom can make you feel that good.”

Kurt shook his head, trying to find the words to explain that Tom was not like that. Blaine seemed to just take it as confirmation that he was making Kurt feel good (which was definitely true) and set about continuing that. Kurt inhaled sharply as Blaine kissed him again. It started off slow this time, gentle and testing, almost teasing. When he tried to raise a hand to those curls he’d missed for so long, Blaine stopped him. He pulled Kurt’s arm down and behind him, reaching between Kurt’s back and the wall to grasp his wrist, essentially trapping both Kurt’s arms and pulling them close enough that Kurt could feel the warm pressure of Blaine’s cock against his hip.

“Blaine.” It was barely a gasp, but it was all Kurt could manage. His cock was throbbing and he was literally feeling a bit light-headed from how fast he’d gone from zero to raging hard. He thrust his hips forward and gasped at the friction and the amazing heat that curled through his groin and spread out from there. Blaine kissed him again, sucking at his tongue and then pulling Kurt’s bottom lip with his teeth. Kurt moaned, caught up in the sensations of Blaine holding him tight, the smell of the wine they’d both had at the party. The smell of Blaine giving him sensory déjà vu, Kurt felt his heart speed up and briefly thought he should put a stop to this, but he couldn’t bring himself to try.

He felt Blaine nipping at his neck, at his collarbone, gripping tighter on the wrist behind Kurt’s back and pulling at Kurt’s hair with his other hand as they ground their hips together, cocks sliding side by side through layers of cotton, twill, and denim. Kurt groaned again, eyes out of focus with how aroused he was, but also watering as a tiny part of his brain began to freak out. Oh god, this is really happening. This is Blaine. I… what does it mean? What are we doing? Before he got too far into that line of thinking, Blaine pulled back again, looking at him, looking wrecked, which at least let Kurt know it wasn’t just him. They panted together, still grinding slowly and looking at each other as they loosely brushed their open mouths together. Then Blaine stopped completely, just holding him there, watching him. Kurt whimpered, aching for more contact. Blaine looked hesitant now, and a little sad, and… questioning? “What?” Kurt finally had to ask.

“Is this what happened, Kurt?” Blaine’s tone was cold to Kurt’s ears, but the look in his eyes was sad. “Are you gonna call Tom tomorrow and break up with him?” Kurt choked. He couldn’t breathe anymore, and he thought he might vomit.

Blaine watched as Kurt’s eyes widened and he felt like someone had just twisted a knife in his gut. He’d always suspected that Kurt had found someone else. It was one of the obvious possibilities, and he wasn’t stupid. He just hadn’t realized what it would feel like to know that’s what happened. He started to pull back, only then realizing how aggressively he’d been holding Kurt. He swallowed quickly, trying to stave off the tears starting to gather in his eyes. He vaguely thought he had read a book or seen a movie where a character was musing about the physical pain that comes with heartbreak, but he couldn’t remember what it was. Whatever it was, it probably couldn’t compare to feeling it for real. He felt like sounds were rushing past him too fast, or in the wrong directions, overlapping and amplifying them into nothing but a roaring sound in his ears.

He took a breath and looked at Kurt, finally seeing that Kurt looked scared to death. He was either gasping or hyperventilating, Blaine never knew what that really looked like. And he was starting to look like he was in pain. “Kurt? Kurt, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” He carefully reached for Kurt’s wrist, seeing the slight pink area where he’d been holding. “Are you okay?” Kurt moved his mouth a few times, tears welling up in his eyes as he shook his head quickly. “What do you need? Should I call an ambulance?” Kurt waved his hand and shook his head again, pressing his lips together tightly and pulling in on himself as much as possible. He was backed all the way against the wall, and Blaine worried that maybe he was to blame. “Did I scare you? Or hurt you?” Kurt wrapped his arms across his chest and closed his eyes tightly but shook his head no to answer the question. “Can I do something? Can I… would it be okay to hold you?” Kurt choked out a sob and shook his head frantically, trying to shrink away again.

Blaine stood there, feeling helpless and horrible, until Kurt let out another sound, something between a moan and a sob, and started shaking all over. When his knees seemed to give out, Blaine reached for him quickly and was suddenly bracing him up against the wall. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you. I’m here. It’s okay. You’re safe with me. Just breathe, Kurt.” Blaine whispered random soothing things as he eased them both down to the floor. He scooted until he had his back to the wall and pulled Kurt into his lap so he could hold him more securely. He kept whispering to Kurt and rubbing his hands over the tense and twitching muscles.

Eventually, Kurt’s crying had slowed down and his breathing had settled. After a while, Blaine felt the tension slowly melt out of him. He’d been surprised to realize just how tense Kurt was, and now it seemed Kurt had fallen asleep. Blaine didn’t know how long they sat there, and was grateful that the three people who left the auditorium had immediately turned the other way and didn’t notice the guys cuddling in the hall. He hoped Kurt didn’t have something seriously wrong, but it seemed like some sort of freak out, and the very thought of that reminded him of the night at the diner, after they’d played songs for each other. Kurt had broken down a little that night, too, but it seemed more like heavy emotions. This had seemed more like… abject horror. Dropping a kiss on Kurt’s head, Blaine cradled him against his chest, one arm snuggly wrapped around him while the other played gently with his hair. He was just trying to decide if he should move – because he was pretty sure his ass was going numb – when Kurt started stirring on his own.

“Blaine?” he mumbled, looking around the hall and then back at Blaine, clearly confused. “What… oh god.” He groaned in embarrassment, realizing he had completely freaked out in front of Blaine. He sat up quickly and his groan turned to one of pain as his pulse throbbed in his temples. This had been his worst panic attack, and of course, Blaine had to see it.

“It’s okay. I’m here.” Blaine was rubbing his back gently, just sitting there with him. Kurt turned and looked at him, unbelieving.

“Why?” He had to ask. Nothing in the way Blaine was acting made sense to him.

“Because, like I told you with the song, ‘you can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak outs and I’ll hold it’. I’m sorry.  I wasn’t angry at you. I swear. I know we’re just friends, and it really isn’t any of my business who you’re dating. And I’m…” Blaine looked away and took a deep breath that sounded just a little shaky to Kurt. “I’m really, really sorry, Kurt. I would never… I mean, I didn’t want to hurt you. Or scare you. I wasn’t trying to force…”

“Blaine, stop.” Kurt put a tentative hand over Blaine’s mouth. He was still feeling very raw, overly-sensitive, and more than a little confused and nervous, but he couldn’t listen to Blaine blaming himself for anything. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I wasn’t exactly arguing with you about it, you know?” He blinked away the sudden mental images of them grinding together against the wall, right outside the auditorium with the entire cast and crew. “I swear, Blaine. You didn’t force any of that.” He shifted a little and winced at the pins and needles in his leg. “Ah, time to move,” he pushed himself up from the cool tile floor.

“Come on,” Blaine said as he accepted Kurt’s hand up and then used it to pull Kurt closer and wrap one arm around his shoulders. “Why don’t I take you down to your studio? I know you’re comfortable in there, and you can close the door for privacy if you need it. I… I’ll leave you alone if you want, if you swear to me that you’re okay and that you’ll call me or Lindsey or someone if you need anything.”

“Um, okay.” Kurt actually wouldn’t have minded if Blaine wanted to stay with him, but he couldn’t dare admit that aloud.  He hung his head the rest of the way to the studio, wishing for – well, he didn’t really know exactly what he was wishing for, there were so many possibilities. He tried to focus more on his feet and less on the way Blaine’s touch was making him tingle. When they reached the studio, they stopped just a few feet inside the door, but Blaine didn’t let go. Kurt turned slightly, looking at Blaine, willing him to say something.

“I guess I should go, I mean, if you want, do you need anything?” Blaine seemed to realize he was starting to run his words together. He paused and then looked at Kurt earnestly. “Are you okay? Really? Is there anything I can do?”

Kurt couldn’t help it, his eyes filled so quickly and his heart fluttered. “I, I wouldn’t mind i-if you stayed.” He glanced at the small sofa at the edge of the studio. “If you want to, I mean. I…” He swallowed hard and took a breath, pulling on all the bravado he could muster – he didn’t want to seem needy. “I’m okay, but I wouldn’t mind the company.”

Blaine smiled and reached up with one hand, gently catching the tears with one finger. “Then I’d be happy to stay.” He held Kurt’s gaze for a couple minutes and started ever so slowly leaning forward, then suddenly pulled back with an expression Kurt couldn’t quite interpret. “Wait. No. You’re seeing someone else. I can’t do this if you’re with this Tom guy. I don’t want…”

“I’m not. Blaine, you never let me explain.”

“Kurt, I remember the conversation. I heard you on the phone with Tom, verifying that you’d meet him at 12:30 tomorrow. You said you’ve been seeing him for a month. How exactly does that NOT mean you’re dating him?”

“He’s my therapist!” Kurt managed to hold in his frustration, saying that with much less force than he felt at the time. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Blaine. I have panic attacks – as you know, now – and I’m seeing a therapist to try and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.” He was blinking back the tears again, clearing his throat to try and get rid of the lump in it. He was so exhausted after the earlier panic that he seemed to have no filters now. He found himself just mumbling. “I thought about telling you, so you’d know I’m – I’m trying to… to fix things, I guess? But I didn’t know how to bring it up, and I can’t really talk about stuff sometimes because my throat tries to close up when I get too anxious. And I didn’t want you to know how – how broken I am.”

“Kurt, no! Oh god, I’m so sorry.” Blaine tentatively reached out, offering a hug, unsure if he’d be welcome after the mistake he’d just made. “I’m so, so sorry. I had no right, god, even if you were dating someone, I had no right to react like that.”

Kurt blinked at him and stepped happily into his arms. “It-it’s okay. I mean, I’m a little confused, but it’s okay.”

“Confused about what?” Blaine hugged him tightly, wanting to look at him as they talked, but not willing to let him go just yet.

“About why you acted… like that. Why was that your reaction?”

And then he had to loosen his grip and look Kurt in the face. “Which part, the making out? Or the, uh, mood of the making out?” He worried that he’d been too aggressive, too rough and controlling. He had tried to read Kurt’s body language and reactions at the time, but since they’d never had much time to explore kinks, he wasn’t sure what Kurt was okay with.

“Both, actually?” Kurt looked down, clearly nervous or embarrassed – possibly both.

“I, uh,” God, how was he supposed to explain this? He barely understood his motivations internally. He wasn’t sure he could put them into words. “Okay, I’ll try to explain, but it might be choppy because it’s hard to figure out. And it will be blunt. Are you okay with that?” The last thing he wanted to do was trigger another panic attack.

“Yeah, I should be. I’ll tell you if I need to stop.” Blaine nodded and started to shift and sit back, but Kurt had a grip on Blaine’s sweater, so he chose to stay still and keep rubbing Kurt’s back as he spoke.

“Okay, well, I guess the first reason is that I wanted to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you every time I’ve seen you since my audition. I, god, Kurt, I missed you so damned much, and I don’t know what happened, or I guess, I don’t know what exactly happened or why, but I never got over the idea of us. And then Brittany said I could help you get your magic back and something about lobsters, I think. And we were spending time together and getting closer again and I guess I was just hoping – I don’t know, I was just hoping. And then I heard your message and I thought… and I just got so mad. I wanted to be patient, Kurt. I wanted to just sit back and give you whatever time or space you need, but sometimes it’s just so hard, and when I tell other people I’m okay with this, and I tell Santana it’ll be worth it, and then I thought you were seeing someone else and it just hurt so much, so I was angry. And I guess I wanted to show you I could… we could still be good together. I was never trying to force… I mean, I wouldn’t… and then I wondered if you were just caught up in the mood or something, because why would you be doing that with me if you were seeing someone else, and that’s… god, Kurt I’m so sorry. I never would have… I mean, if I’d known it was your therapist, that … god damn, I can’t believe I fucked up so badly. I can’t believe I upset you like that, made you have a panic attack. I just...” At some point during his speech, Blaine had shifted, and Kurt had tightened his grip and was holding Blaine, offering comfort – much to Blaine’s confusion. He’d thought that would be his job.

“It’s okay. You didn’t know. And you didn’t force – I told you. And, Blaine – I’m hoping, too.” Blaine looked up then, locking eyes with Kurt, wondering if that was a safe lifeline to grab onto. “I’m hoping I can get my head straightened out at least a little bit more. I’m hoping I can reduce my panic attacks and get to the point that I can talk about the things that trigger them. And more than anything, I’m hoping you’ll still be hoping when I’m better. I just… I can’t be in a relationship right now. I need more work, and all I can do is hope you’ll still want me when I’m done.”

Blaine felt his eyes fill and his lips begin to quiver. “Kurt, always. The ball is in your court. You do what you need to do. Tell me how I can help. I’ll be here. I’m not letting you go again."

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes: Real life took over for a bit, but I'm catching up to my already written stuff now, so I shouldn't miss a Monday again (fingers crossed). Many many thanks for hanging in there with me.

The next chapter's shaping up to be a doozy - just so you know. :)

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and tangledhair.

We have passed the 81,000 word mark and (holy crap) nearly 10k of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 17 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter: PG

Medical Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any sort. All mental health references found within this story are from research, first-hand anecdotes, and personal experience. Kurt is probably working through some things and coming to certain realizations much quicker than average, simply because that’s what happens sometimes in fiction. Please, though, if you have seen yourself in these descriptions of Kurt’s depression, self-recrimination, panic attacks, anxiety, etc., see a professional and take care of yourself. If any of Kurt’s coping techniques work for you, that’s great! Just please don’t avoid getting help.

 
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen 
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen

Summary: When Kurt and Blaine cross paths again several years after an unexplained breakup, can they heal the rift between them? Told out of chronological order as they get to know themselves and each other again, discovering who they became while they were apart, and how to heal them both.

Author’s Notes: I don’t own them. They just told me this story and wanted me to share it.

Chapter Notes: This came to me kind of scattered, which is why it took two weeks to get it out. I could have split this into two chapters, but I didn’t have the first half of it written early enough to post it. Some of that just got written tonight, in fact.

Regardless, here’s a nice long chapter for you with lots of stuff going on. I already have a bit of the next chapter ready, so I’m hopeful that I can post it Monday or Tuesday. I promise I’m still trying to get back on the weekly schedule. My life’s just a little explody right now, but it should settle down a teensy bit in November.

Many thanks to my beta readers for this chapter; poetheather and randomactsofdouchebaggery (aka canarian).

We have passed the 78,000 word mark and (holy crap) nearly 10k of that is for future chapters!  Anyway, this is chapter 16 of who knows (but my current estimate is about 25).

Please pay close attention to the dates. This jumps around a lot, sometimes by a few months, sometimes by a few years. 

Warnings/Rating (Overall): NC-17 for sex, mild violence, dub-con, mild bdsm, language, alcohol & drugs (with and without sex)

Rating this chapter: PG

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen 
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen




Chapter SixteenCollapse )